UNSTABLE

I'm not strong enough for this

It's simply, just too hard

I can't ever relax

There's no letting down my guard

~

Every class talks about something

That hits too close to home

I cry, dissociate & panic

And then write another poem

~

I'm too much like the clients

Or, rather, they're too much like me

If I have these problems myself,

How can I help them to see?

~

They'll see that I'm not normal

They'll see that I'm a mess

They'll see that I'm not stable

Everyone will start to guess

~

They'll make assumptions about what's wrong

And what I can & can't control

They'll assume with all my problems

There's no way I could be whole

~

And the assumptions will be right

I'm a broken little girl

I've been broken for so long

I'll always be this ugly knurl

~

I'm wrapped around this shattered identity

That's been mine for far too long

And now it's all I have

This feeling that I'm wrong

~

That's what everyone sees

Because it's what I know

I'll always be unstable

and it will always show

maybe....

maybe i want you to see

maybe i want you to know

the things that i do

that i don't let show

-

maybe i wish people noticed

maybe i wish i could tell

but i'd be seen as "not normal"

i'd be considered unwell

-

maybe i want to get caught

maybe i want to be found out

so i don't have to whisper

so i can scream & shout

-

maybe i think it's normal

maybe i think that i'm still good

i don't think i should be set apart

or labeled misunderstood

-

maybe i want it in the open

maybe i don't want to hide

the way it feels to be me

and the way it shows outside

-

maybe i tried to tell you

maybe i even let it show

cause maybe i wanted your help

maybe i wanted you to know

reality

Picture perfect memories

Scattered on the wall

Reminders of a perfect life

That wasn't real at all

~

Tokens of a time

when my life appeared so good

When I always did things right

Did them as I should

~

But that facade has fallen

And the sadness now shows through

It's no longer happiness and smiles

For me to show you

~

Depression has found it's way

Into that picture perfect life

And now that happy little girl

Daily picks up the knife

~

She cuts out all her worries

She burns out all their lies

She bleeds away the pain

Growing closer to her demise

~

One of these days her eyes will open

She'll be able to see

The little girl was never happy

This sadness is reality....

Stupid Doctor

He wasn't very gentle

Just cutting & scraping away

Like because I'm into SI

That makes hurting me ok

-

Well, I'll tell you- it's not!

It's not alright to cause me pain

Just because I hurt myself

Doesn't mean you can do the same

-

Cutting myself is one thing

It helps me not to feel so bad

But someone else, doing the same

Makes me burning hot MAD

-

Hurting myself is a problem I have

It's a habit, that's not good

And I don't want others to do it

Just cause they think they could

-

You shouldn't hurt anyone

Whether or not they care

And hurting me cause I'm sad

Simply isn't fair

CYW??

I don't know if I can do this

It hits too close to home

They tell the whole class stories

And they're mine, and mine alone

I don't want everyone to know

I hide it for a reason

There's a time & place for things to come out

Now is not the setting or season

My life is no one's but my own

I'm in it, literally, all alone

My world is dead, and icy cold

No hands in reach for me to hold

No arms around to hold me tight

No one to tuck me in at night

No lips to whisper "I love you"

No one to tell me what to do

All that's here is lots of fear

And pain that falls with every tear

Each time I laugh, it hurts inside

And whenever I smile, I feel like I've lied

Maybe I should become a writer

Something where I don't need to be such a fighter

It's easier if I don't have to deal

With all of this shit that I think & feel

My Valentine

Valentines Day is almost here

It's rolling around again

Will this day always hurt like this?

Always be so full of pain?

~

I miss him so much

I just want him back

My heart is so heavy

And it's got a big crack

~

Why did he have to go?

And leave me all alone?

Now I can't even call him,

To hear his voice on the phone....

~

I just want to be with him

This day only makes it worse

I can't believe he's gone

It's some kind of fucked up curse

~

We should have been together

He was supposed to be mine

But he'll always be with me in spirit

My forever Valentine

Does he think that this is funny?

Some sort of twisted, fucked up joke?

Cause for a moment I freeze & my heart skips a beat

When I see that one word - "poke"

.

Or the way he writes my name

Spelt with an extra 'E'

Daniel knew it wasn't right

But it was like his nickname for me

.

I don't know who writes it now

But I don't like it anymore

It hurts now that I know he's gone

My heart is tired and sore

.

Why would someone do this?

Playing games with my head....

Isn't it enough?
Just hearing that he's dead??

.

So I pushed the 'block' button

Even though it hurt like hell

I said a silent good-bye prayer

As the tears all silently fell

I've nowhere to run

I've nowhere to hide

It's so hard to conceal

All that's inside

.

My life is a secret

From everyone but me

No one knows it all

Every piece to my story

.

And I will never tell

Cause it all just sounds so bad

I'm afraid no one will want me

If they know of this life I've had

.

Not that anyone wants me now

But somehow it's not the same

It'd be worse if they all knew

Of my past and where I came

.

And so I keep it hidden

Underneath my baggy clothes

And around the world turns..

.. on my life goes ....

Our Island

Up here on Claire Island

Surrounded by family

Our beautiful, secret hideaway

Passed down through the family tree

-

Our own private getaway

Here on Lac Des Illes

Such a spectacular place

Oh, so carefully concealed

-

The sparkling, blue lake water

The green of trees & grass

The call of the loons on the lake

The children's contagious laughs

-

No telephones or video games

Such peace & tranquility

It's just such a beautiful place

So, why doesn't it get through to me?

-

My heart remains cold & empty

With a past I can't simply erase

And I can't help but still feel sad

Even in the magic of this place

-

The gorgeous weather here

Cannot warm my frozen heaert

And with all these friends & family

I'll never have a brand new start

-

And so, I will go swimming

But in shorts & long sleeved shirts

And I'll stay here in 'paradise'

But it won't take away the hurts

-

At night the lights go out

I sit in darkness, having a smoke

Then press the tip into my soft flesh

Careful no one is awoke

-

Then I pull my sleeve back down

I hide it all away

My cookie cutter skin is out of sight

At least for another day

Daniel

They say he's dead, but he's not gone

At least, he's not to me

He's just someone who lives far away

Someone I never see

~

Too many people care for him

He wouldn't commit suicide

All he needs to do is run to me

And in my arms, he can hide

~

I will provide his shelter

I won't let anyone see his face

I'll care for him & keep him safe

In my warm embrace

~

I'll protect him from life's storms

Together we can make it through

We'll deal with life, side by side

It's always easier with two

~

I swear, he isn't dead

Even though we are apart

He will never really go

He'll live on in my heart

Don't play the guilt card

I've had enough

You don't know how hard it is

To quit this kind of stuff

. .

I'm sick of people telling me

The effects this has on THEM

If I'm going to stop this

It's me who'll decide when

. .

You don't need to say a word

I can see it in your eyes

Each time my sleeve slips up

A little part of you dies

. .

You see, it's not just you

It's everyone I know

They can't stand what I do

And I can't bear to let it show

. .

That's why I wear long sleeves

And hide it all from sight

When no one sees what's wrong

I can pretend that I'm alright

. .

Someday I might get better

But it will be for me

Not because of others

And the things they think they see