Wednesday, October 20, 2004

a psychiatrist to her supervisor:

“Fear, pain, abuse, betrayal....
It’s the case of a little girl, whose innocence was shattered by molestation, forcing her to grow up at a very early age
She sank deep into a bottomless depression, she couldn’t eat, she couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t stop crying....
It didn’t take her long to learn. To learn that no one likes the little girl who doesn’t smile, doesn’t laugh.. The girl who spends her recesses curled up in a corner, in the fetal position, unable to move, paralysed by her fear
So she became an actress, and began to pretend
But, it was still there, underneath all the smiles, and giggles that everyone fell for
Her level of trust has fallen below, even that of abnormal
His name was Brian
It’s the barely remembered scars of her past that have had the greatest, most lasting effects on this child’s behaviour and emotional stability
Causing insecurities about herself, and the inability to trust any men that come into her life.
Next was her cousin. She was 9 years old.
It’s become a pattern
Everyone who follows betrays and eventually abandons her
Family conflicts, wrong crowds, seeking attention in all the wrong places
Short lived relationships, both friendly and romantic, promiscuity....
She started to broaden to the workplace, both school and profession
A boy- she thought she could trust
Became a stalker
And then a massage therapist, massaging much more than she'd paid for, or expected.
More tears, and blood, and pain
All invoking dreams of failure and re-occurring memories of the unbearable past
With this, she seeks refuge in expressing herself artistically
Not with paint, on a canvas
But with blades, on her body
She is drowning in her own insecurities, in her own tears, and in her own blood
This, sir, is a case in need of immediate attention.”

This Is Hell

I’m remembering
I don’t know how
I don’t know why
But it’s coming back
Not everything
I don’t remember seeing my Grandpa
I don’t remember the castle
I don’t remember dancing with my mother
I don’t remember anything that I talked about
But there are broken, chopped fragments
Pictures
Feelings
I kind of popped out of the top of my head
And floated up to the ceiling
I could see everything
The machines
The doctors and nurses
And I could see my body
Lying there
Limp
Lifeless
Dead
I was dead
I wasn’t inside it anymore

And then I went away
I went somewhere....
I don’t really know where
But I was warm
And safe
And.... I was at peace
For the first time in 15??
No, The first time in 12 years
I wasn’t miserable
I didn’t feel like crying
I was content
There was no pain
No fear
I think I was in Heaven

Only I didn’t get to stay
I was torn away
Ripped out
Brought here
Where everything hurts again
And it’s all just so awful
I thought it was bad before
But that was nothing
Now everything is so dark
And cold
And hard
Hard, and dark, and cold?
Everything I think
Everything I feel
Everything I AM

This is Hell

“I live in Hell, cause I’ve been expelled from Heaven.”