Goodbye letter to Self Injury

9/25/2015

Dear SI,

I’ve known you for a really long time now- I think I was 14 when we first met, so we’ve pretty much grown up together.  It’s been a crazy relationship, a long relationship, but it’s over.  And it’s over for good this time, I won’t take you back again, so don’t come begging. 

John 10:10 says that “the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy”, and that is you- you are the thief.  You’re a thief and a liar.  You told me that you would help me, that you would make things better, but you didn’t, instead everything got worse.  You told me that you would take the pain away, but every time it came back it only brought more.  You told me that you’d help me cope with things, but you only gave me more to deal with.  You said you’d bring hope, and escape, and freedom, and that you were the only friend I’d ever need- but it was all a lie.  You promised me a bright, shiny future, but it gets darker and darker with every single thing you take away.  

You’ve taken everything I loved the most.  You scared away my best friends, who swore they’d be there forever, but they just couldn’t compete with you anymore.  You stole my love for gym and cheerleading- I used to love training, more than anything, but I began to dread it, because I would always be asked to take off my sweatshirts, remove the extra layers of clothing that were keeping you safe from people’s prying eyes.  You stole my education from me- before I met you, I had hardly ever gotten in trouble; I was a freaking golden child.  Now, thanks to you, I’ve completed extra assignments, I’ve sat through detentions and in-school suspensions, I’ve slept through the out-of-school suspensions, I’ve even been asked to leave, or “take a break”.  I’ve struggled to keep my place in certain programs, I’ve been fired from jobs, I’ve been dragged away, literally, what people mean when they say “she went kicking and screaming”.  I’ve been sent away to try and get rid of you, but you’ve managed to follow me wherever I’ve gone.  You’ve stolen my life savings, which has all been spent on stupid supplies from the pharmacy and new blades, or wasted on clothing and bedding and towels that you’ve ruined with ugly blood stains.  Not to mention the time you’ve stolen from me.  I cannot even begin to count how much time has been spent on cutting, and thinking about cutting, and cutting, and covering up cutting, and cutting, and dreaming about cutting, and more cutting….  Not to mention burning, and other forms of self-harm.  You’ve taken all the best parts of my life and replaced them with ugly scars. 

It’s going to be hard to be alone, we’ve been together for nearly 18 years now, but it’s time.  It’s time to move on.  I get that I am sick, and that’s what led me to you in the first place.  You were supposed to kill the depression, but you nearly killed me instead.  He’s just another liar, depression.  I know that now.  He wants me to believe that I’m worthless, but it’s not true.  I deserve more than this. 

Thanks for being there over the years, but this is the final good bye.  I don’t want to hear anymore lies- I need you out of my life. 

Please leave me alone now,

I don’t want to hear from you, ever again. 

Flashback

I can still smell them
the alcohol on their breaths
the cigarettes they'd been smoking
there was one main guy
I wish I knew who it was
it's all a little hazy from the drugs
but I remember feelings
I remember feeling him
his dirty fingernails; his rough, calloused hands; all over places they shouldn't be
in my own bed, in my own room, of my own house- I should have been safe
my body wasn't the only thing raped that night
my sense of security was torn away from me as well
I denied it for so long....
now I'm resigned to admit the truth
that my first time was to a bunch of drunk idiots at a party
it was almost 13 years ago
and I still feel it
and taste it
and smell it
like it only happened moments ago
and I don't want to live anymore

coming back

it's been a long time
since i wanted it this bad
buti don't feel anything now
not even a little bit sad

i don't feel angry
i don't feel depressed
i should be happy it's gone
but this isn't my best

i don't feel joy either
the good feelings are all gone
no love or peace or hope
underneath they were there all along

and now i think there's one thing left
though it'll mean taking a fall
i think i'd rather feel the pain
than feel nothing at all

so self injury is coming back
i'll just hide it really well
and everyone will think i've gotten better
no one will ever tell

Where?

Where were you when I started falling?
Where were you when I hit the ground?
Where were you when it hurt so badly?
Where were you when you weren't around?
.
Where were you when the rain was falling?
Where were you when the thunder crashed?
Where were you when my world was storming?
Where were you when the lightning flashed?
.
Where were you when my tears were falling?
Where were you when they wouldn't stop?
Where were you when I screamed in silence?
Where were you when I wiped the drops?
.
Where were you when the blood was falling?
Where were you when I cut again?
Where were you when I burned myself daily?
Where?  Where were you then?
.
Will you be there when my body is falling?
Will you catch it before it hits the ground?
Will you softly lay me down below?
So my death won't make a sound?

FUCK UP

F is for failure
I always fail, I'll never win
U is for ugly
too fat, no longer thin
C is for crazy
not sane enough to fit
K is for kid
not grown up enough to commit

U is for ugly
I told you once before
P is for pissed off
I can't take it anymore

FUCK UP is what it spells
FUCK UP is what I see
FUCK UP is what I do
it's what I'll always be

Done (for now)

The clock reads 2:11

The day's officially done

And though it was really hard

I think I may have finally won

--

It's not like it's easy now

Every day is hard

I still have to fight it

I can't let down my guard

--

But the memories on Valentines

They make me so upset

They make the suffering more real

And fill me with regret

--

But, I made it through the day

And I'll admit that I did cry

But I didn't cut, or burn, or smoke

And I never tried to die

I Can't

I don't think I can do this

The urge is gonna win

I'm just not strong enough

And I want to give in

--

I know that I shouldn't

I know I should fight

But it's all just too much

Especially tonight

--

There's too much heartache

Too much pain

And it hurts too much

To try and maintain

--

I just want to cut

See the blood running free

So I'll know my heart's beating

Inside of me

--

Or else burn myself

Let the blister rise

Then pop it and with it

All my anguish dies

--

Or if I could just smoke

It would at least reduce the need

Maybe long enough

For something else to intercede

--

But I can't cut

I can't burn

I can't smoke

I only yearn

--

So for now I'm stuck here

I can't even sleep

So I lie in my bed

And it hurts, and I weep

New Years Eve (again....)

The clock says 10:31

The year's still twenty ten

An hour and 29 minutes

And what will happen then?

-

Everyone is counting down

To the start of a new year

They're all just so excited

But I'm just filled with fear

-

I don't know what's coming

I don't know what's next

But I can't imagine it's good

When I seem to be hexed

-

Will this year hold more pain?

More sorrow? More despair?

Will anything change my life?

Wake me from this nightmare?

-

Cause nothing ever changes

Everything still hurts

Nothing gets "all better"

Despite my best efforts

-

I wish I could just leave

This world so full of pain

But no matter what I try

I still seem to remain

-

So I'll fake a smile at midnight

And cheer the New Year in

But the delight will be a facade

I'll be silently screaming within

UNSTABLE

I'm not strong enough for this

It's simply, just too hard

I can't ever relax

There's no letting down my guard

~

Every class talks about something

That hits too close to home

I cry, dissociate & panic

And then write another poem

~

I'm too much like the clients

Or, rather, they're too much like me

If I have these problems myself,

How can I help them to see?

~

They'll see that I'm not normal

They'll see that I'm a mess

They'll see that I'm not stable

Everyone will start to guess

~

They'll make assumptions about what's wrong

And what I can & can't control

They'll assume with all my problems

There's no way I could be whole

~

And the assumptions will be right

I'm a broken little girl

I've been broken for so long

I'll always be this ugly knurl

~

I'm wrapped around this shattered identity

That's been mine for far too long

And now it's all I have

This feeling that I'm wrong

~

That's what everyone sees

Because it's what I know

I'll always be unstable

and it will always show

maybe....

maybe i want you to see

maybe i want you to know

the things that i do

that i don't let show

-

maybe i wish people noticed

maybe i wish i could tell

but i'd be seen as "not normal"

i'd be considered unwell

-

maybe i want to get caught

maybe i want to be found out

so i don't have to whisper

so i can scream & shout

-

maybe i think it's normal

maybe i think that i'm still good

i don't think i should be set apart

or labeled misunderstood

-

maybe i want it in the open

maybe i don't want to hide

the way it feels to be me

and the way it shows outside

-

maybe i tried to tell you

maybe i even let it show

cause maybe i wanted your help

maybe i wanted you to know

reality

Picture perfect memories

Scattered on the wall

Reminders of a perfect life

That wasn't real at all

~

Tokens of a time

when my life appeared so good

When I always did things right

Did them as I should

~

But that facade has fallen

And the sadness now shows through

It's no longer happiness and smiles

For me to show you

~

Depression has found it's way

Into that picture perfect life

And now that happy little girl

Daily picks up the knife

~

She cuts out all her worries

She burns out all their lies

She bleeds away the pain

Growing closer to her demise

~

One of these days her eyes will open

She'll be able to see

The little girl was never happy

This sadness is reality....

Stupid Doctor

He wasn't very gentle

Just cutting & scraping away

Like because I'm into SI

That makes hurting me ok

-

Well, I'll tell you- it's not!

It's not alright to cause me pain

Just because I hurt myself

Doesn't mean you can do the same

-

Cutting myself is one thing

It helps me not to feel so bad

But someone else, doing the same

Makes me burning hot MAD

-

Hurting myself is a problem I have

It's a habit, that's not good

And I don't want others to do it

Just cause they think they could

-

You shouldn't hurt anyone

Whether or not they care

And hurting me cause I'm sad

Simply isn't fair

CYW??

I don't know if I can do this

It hits too close to home

They tell the whole class stories

And they're mine, and mine alone

I don't want everyone to know

I hide it for a reason

There's a time & place for things to come out

Now is not the setting or season

My life is no one's but my own

I'm in it, literally, all alone

My world is dead, and icy cold

No hands in reach for me to hold

No arms around to hold me tight

No one to tuck me in at night

No lips to whisper "I love you"

No one to tell me what to do

All that's here is lots of fear

And pain that falls with every tear

Each time I laugh, it hurts inside

And whenever I smile, I feel like I've lied

Maybe I should become a writer

Something where I don't need to be such a fighter

It's easier if I don't have to deal

With all of this shit that I think & feel

My Valentine

Valentines Day is almost here

It's rolling around again

Will this day always hurt like this?

Always be so full of pain?

~

I miss him so much

I just want him back

My heart is so heavy

And it's got a big crack

~

Why did he have to go?

And leave me all alone?

Now I can't even call him,

To hear his voice on the phone....

~

I just want to be with him

This day only makes it worse

I can't believe he's gone

It's some kind of fucked up curse

~

We should have been together

He was supposed to be mine

But he'll always be with me in spirit

My forever Valentine

Does he think that this is funny?

Some sort of twisted, fucked up joke?

Cause for a moment I freeze & my heart skips a beat

When I see that one word - "poke"

.

Or the way he writes my name

Spelt with an extra 'E'

Daniel knew it wasn't right

But it was like his nickname for me

.

I don't know who writes it now

But I don't like it anymore

It hurts now that I know he's gone

My heart is tired and sore

.

Why would someone do this?

Playing games with my head....

Isn't it enough?
Just hearing that he's dead??

.

So I pushed the 'block' button

Even though it hurt like hell

I said a silent good-bye prayer

As the tears all silently fell

I've nowhere to run

I've nowhere to hide

It's so hard to conceal

All that's inside

.

My life is a secret

From everyone but me

No one knows it all

Every piece to my story

.

And I will never tell

Cause it all just sounds so bad

I'm afraid no one will want me

If they know of this life I've had

.

Not that anyone wants me now

But somehow it's not the same

It'd be worse if they all knew

Of my past and where I came

.

And so I keep it hidden

Underneath my baggy clothes

And around the world turns..

.. on my life goes ....

Our Island

Up here on Claire Island

Surrounded by family

Our beautiful, secret hideaway

Passed down through the family tree

-

Our own private getaway

Here on Lac Des Illes

Such a spectacular place

Oh, so carefully concealed

-

The sparkling, blue lake water

The green of trees & grass

The call of the loons on the lake

The children's contagious laughs

-

No telephones or video games

Such peace & tranquility

It's just such a beautiful place

So, why doesn't it get through to me?

-

My heart remains cold & empty

With a past I can't simply erase

And I can't help but still feel sad

Even in the magic of this place

-

The gorgeous weather here

Cannot warm my frozen heaert

And with all these friends & family

I'll never have a brand new start

-

And so, I will go swimming

But in shorts & long sleeved shirts

And I'll stay here in 'paradise'

But it won't take away the hurts

-

At night the lights go out

I sit in darkness, having a smoke

Then press the tip into my soft flesh

Careful no one is awoke

-

Then I pull my sleeve back down

I hide it all away

My cookie cutter skin is out of sight

At least for another day

Daniel

They say he's dead, but he's not gone

At least, he's not to me

He's just someone who lives far away

Someone I never see

~

Too many people care for him

He wouldn't commit suicide

All he needs to do is run to me

And in my arms, he can hide

~

I will provide his shelter

I won't let anyone see his face

I'll care for him & keep him safe

In my warm embrace

~

I'll protect him from life's storms

Together we can make it through

We'll deal with life, side by side

It's always easier with two

~

I swear, he isn't dead

Even though we are apart

He will never really go

He'll live on in my heart

Don't play the guilt card

I've had enough

You don't know how hard it is

To quit this kind of stuff

. .

I'm sick of people telling me

The effects this has on THEM

If I'm going to stop this

It's me who'll decide when

. .

You don't need to say a word

I can see it in your eyes

Each time my sleeve slips up

A little part of you dies

. .

You see, it's not just you

It's everyone I know

They can't stand what I do

And I can't bear to let it show

. .

That's why I wear long sleeves

And hide it all from sight

When no one sees what's wrong

I can pretend that I'm alright

. .

Someday I might get better

But it will be for me

Not because of others

And the things they think they see

St. Louis- #3

I'm so sick and tired

Of not being believed

They say coming here was my choice

But I feel I've been deceived

~

Here, when I speak,

It's all a lie

When I weep, I am told

"Just 'choose' not to cry"

~

I'm tired of everyone thinking

That I chose to be this way

No one wants to live like this

No matter what they say

~

I'm telling the truth

Why do they always question it?

All of this mistrust

Just makes me want to quit

~

I want to go home to my parents

At least they usually believe me

I won't be babysat

Or held under lock and key

~

Maybe I don't even need to go home

I really just want a way out

So I'll kill myself while I'm here

Death is one thing they can't doubt

~

For once you're dead, you're dead

No if's, and's, or but's

I'll finally be gone

My eyes forever shut

Getting Out of St. Louis

I miss my kids

I miss my home

Why must I be here?

So utterly alone....

~

I miss my Mom

I miss my Dad

How did I turn into this?

When did I get so bad?

~

I miss my school

I miss my job

I've broken down

I sob and sob

~

I miss real food

I miss my bed

Would anyone care

If I was found dead?

~

I miss my family

I miss my friends

But like all good things

It eventually ends

~

I miss my independence

I miss being in control

I want it all back

Getting out is my goal

St. Louis- #2

I can't live like this

It's not working out

Nobody believes things

I tell them about

~

What's the point?

They don't believe what I say

How can I trust them?

Why should I stay?

~

Trust goes both ways

You don't get it for free

So why should I trust them,

When they don't trust me?

~

At home, at least

I'm believed when I speak

No one disagrees with me

Or turns the other cheek

~

I don't want to be here

I don't want to try

I want to give up

I just want to die

Leaving St. Louis

I'd made up my mind

I was going to stay

But they've made theirs up too

I'll be going away

~

Much liquid was spilled

Tears of salt and tears of blood

Now my future's so unclear

It's dark and thick like mud

~

Soon I'll be going home

But I still don't know when

I've lost another chance

I've fucked it up again

~

I'm sorry Mom and Dad

I know that you don't want me back

So I'll try and make it quick

I'll be out of your way like 'that'

~

No point in paying for the plane

The money's just a waste

When he's already calling me

Death's close enough to taste

~

Please, don't bring me back

Please, don't even try

The return would just be pointless

I'd be coming home to die

St. Louis- #1

It's getting so hard

It's much worse at night

I don't know if I can make it

If I have the strength to fight

~

I swore when I left home

"There's no coming back"

But now that I'm here

That certainty, I lack

~

I'm worn out and broken

All I do is cry

It's so hard just to be here

Let alone to try

~

I want to sleep in my own bed

And eat whatever I choose

To be free in the afternoon

If I want to take a snooze

~

I'm 25 years old

And being treated like a child

I like making my own choices

And sometimes acting wild

~

I can't do this anymore

I'm drowning in my tears

I don't know where I need to be

But I know that it's not here

I Never Even Took Off....

When I was a child

I had so many dreams

But as I've gotten older

They've all died, it seems

.

I wanted to be an actress

But I was too shy for the stage

I wanted to be a mother

But I wasn't the right age

.

I wanted to fight fires

But they were more fun to light

I wanted to be a bride

In a beautiful dress of white

.

I wanted to be a doctor

But that took too much school

I wanted to be a police woman

Enforcing every rule

.

I wanted to be a teacher

Helping children read and write

I wanted to be an artist

But all I knew was black and white

.

I wanted to be a paramedic

So I could help others in need

I wanted to be an author

Writing stories for people to read

.

I wanted to be a bad girl

But I wasn't very tough

I wanted to be a princess

But I wasn't pretty enough

.

I wanted to be a therapist

But I couldn't even fix me

I wanted to be an athlete

But then I had brain surgery

.

I wanted to be a singer

But I couldn't make the sound

I wanted to be an astronaut

But I never left the ground

.

"I wanted to be an astronaut. To fly so high, so far from this whole, wide world. But I didn't have to worry about a crash landing, because I never even took off."

Jesus Will Heal

I've been cut, I've been burned

I've been broken, bent and torn

I have hoped, I have prayed

I have wished I wasn't born

I've been hurt, I've been cracked

I've been tripped, and told, and tried

I have screamed, I have yelled

I have wept and cursed and cried

I have fallen to the floor

And been too weak to rise

I have crawled on hands and knees

Tears falling from my eyes

But things can get better

They can't get much worse

I'm able to get well

If God will lift this curse

I'll be able to walk in freedom

No more cuts, or burns, or tears

No more clawing at my heart

No more giving in to fears

Jesus Christ has saved me

With His pure and perfect blood

So, somehow my world will heal

And my life will become good

Mom's 50th

August sixteenth, two-thousand and nine.
To some, it’s just one more day.
One day, of one month,
Of a year slowly slipping away.
~

But, for me, today is special.
It’s the day we celebrate you!
The day you came into this world,
Tiny, and perfect, and new.

~
That was fifty years ago,
And some think fifty’s old.
But I know something that they don’t,
You’re just getting better, I’m told.

~
I believe it’s the truth.
For when your birthday rolls around,
You grow one year older,
And a year more profound.

~
You grow one year wiser,
And one year more sweet.
You’re one year more special,
A year more complete.

~
So, yes, you’re another year older.
You’ve had another year to strengthen,
You’ve grown one year better.
That much closer to perfection.

~
Today, so many are thankful,
For fifty years of you to adore!
And today, I am so grateful,
I love you one year more!

~
So, who cares what people say?
Fifty years is great!
Today I’m one year happier,
And we all get to celebrate!!

No Going Back

it's gone by so fast

what happened to those days?

what happened to the innocence?

the silly, carefree ways?

~

i was so young

unaware of how dark it could be

i was so blind

too naive to see

~

back when i was a child

the days were so long

the world was a playground

and my life a song

~

i was so uncorrupt

everything was all right

i played away daytime

and dreamed away night

~

the days all flew by

with barely a care

ignoring the future

and what waited there

~

i somehow grew up

things began to go wrong

i was too big for the playground

too old for the song

~

but now that i'm older

i can get into bars

i can go to the casino

and i can drive cars

~

my dolls are in the closet

with my other childhood toys

the barbies have changed

to lipstick, blush and boys

~

i wear my hair straight

no more ribbons or curls

~

i'll enjoy being a woman

but i'll always cherish the girl

Not Me

I am not the girl who does these things
I’m not the one you see
This crazy, horrible nonsense
Has not been done by me
--
I don’t throw up the things I eat
I never skip a meal
I’m not someone who hurts herself
And I would never steal
--
I don’t have any secrets
I’ve no need to tell a lie
I’ve never attempted suicide
I’ve no reason to want to die
--
I’ve never been in the hospital
Or an ambulance or cop car
I’ve never lived in a group home
Nowhere near, or far
--
I’ve never been in restraints
I’ve never been sent away
Never been in treatment
Or had meds brought on a tray

--
I don’t need to take pills
I am already sane
I don’t need to go to therapy
I’ve got nothing to gain
--
I sleep soundly every night
No trouble there, it seems
I’ve never had a flashback
I never have bad dreams
--
I've never been abused
Physically or sexually
Nor emotional or mental
It's never happened to me
--
I’ve never dissociated
Never had a panic attack
I’m not this person people think I am
So please, just take a step back
--
This awful girl you're speaking of
This terrible person you see
You must be mistaking with someone else
Because, it's just not me

Please God....

If God can make me better

He can choose to make me well

Why won't He do it now?

I want out of this Hell
--

If He can see it all

He can see that I'm in pain

And He can choose to help

He can choose to make me sane

--

God hears everything

He hears me as I cry

He hears me as I scream

He knows I want to die

--

God's fingers feel my scars

His eyes can see the blood

He hears it hit the ground

Dark red & thick, like mud

--

So why has He not helped me?

Does He want me to live this way?

I just don't want to be like this

I can't stand it another day

--

So God, if you are reading

My prayer is that you'll try

To help me mend my broken heaert

And hold me as I cry

Help Me

I can’t concentrate
I can’t sit still
I need to be calmed
Relaxed with a pill

I need something to help
I need someone to try
I need to be settled
And held while I cry

I’m trying so hard
But I can’t do it on my own
I need a friend to be there
Someone that I can phone

Someone who understands me
Someone who’s not afraid
Someone who will still be there
When all the others fade

They all fade into the background
It’s too much for them to stay
They cannot handle my pain
And they decide to go away

I need someone who’s willing
To help me learn to be
I need help learning how to live
And learning who is me

Fear

fear of the past
fear of the future
fear of the dark
or fear of failure

fear of God
fear of success
fear of the unknown
or fear of illness

fear of reactions
fear of pain
fear of the outcome
fear of change

fear of monsters
fear of insecurity
fear of knowledge
and responsibility

fear of lost control
fear of aging
fear of not being good enough
fear of losing

fear of consistancy
fear of ones enemies
fear of what you've seen
fear of consuming calories

fear of crime
fear of winning
fear of death
and fear of living

fear of blood
fear of fat
fear of what you feel
fear of mice and rats

fear of what you've heard
fear of eating
fear of yourself
or waking up tomorrow morning

what's the scariest thing in the whole world?

nothing

If One Day....

if one day

you should find me

lying on the floor

unconscious and not breathing

without a pulse or a heartbeat

- -
i'm sorry

- -

if one day

you should find me

dead

lying in a puddle of my own blood

- -
i'm sorry

- -

if one day

you should find me

hanging

literally, at the end of my rope

- -
i'm sorry

- -

if one day

the police should come to the door

to tell you they've found my body

on the train tracks

or on the highway

or floating in the lake

and i'm gone

- -
i'm sorry

- -

but-

if one day

you should find me

smiling and laughing

wearing short sleeves

or a bathing suit

and there aren't any scars

- -

please take a picture

- -

so that i can look at it and know

that dreams really can come true

Is It Enough??

Staring up at a starless sky
I sit alone and wonder why

Hearts are broken, people used
Lies are told, loved ones abused

Murders take place, so many die
What does God think, as He watches from the sky?

When disaster strikes, and people cry
Does Our Creator wonder why?

Does He regret giving us free will?
Or what went down on Calvary Hill?

His blood was shed, to bring mercy and grace
So one day we'll be worthy to meet Him face to face

His forgiveness is enough to keep us out of Hell
But is it enough to save us from ourselves?

Sick and Dying

Sitting here so lonely
In my English class
Here, in this empty fishbowl
Faces pressed against the glass

Staring down at me
Hoping I will do a trick
But I refuse to move
Stuck in the corner, sick

Sick of pretending to try
Sick of setting goals
Oh so sick of being sick
Of slipping through the holes

Wishing I was better
Wishing I was strong
Wishing I was different
Wishing that I could belong

Trying to be "normal"
Trying not to cry
Trying to stop bleeding
Trying not to die

Knowing it'll happen
In a day or two
Knowing oh so well
That dyings what I'll do

Razor Blades

Razor Blades
There are worse addictions
Eating
Alcohol
Sex
Weed
Crack
Acid

Razor blades aren't so bad
Rather than harm, they heal
They heal emotional pain

And rather than causing weakness, they provide strength
Making skin stronger, thicker
So it is that much harder for others to get in under it
To break it
To hurt it
To hurt you

Razor Blades are protection
Like guns or clothing or air bags
But not from physical danger
From emotional harm

They are freedom
Releasing you from your broken, hurting heart
Releasing you from your past
Releasing all pain
All anger
All sadness
Razor Blades....

I Think I Get It....

*written a LONG time ago*

- - - - - -

I finally understand
what's wrong with me
i just don't want things back
how they used to be

when i had to be perfect
and still thought i could
when i did everything over
till it was done as it should

now they think I'm a bad ass
I'm a rebel and I'm rough
but i can't let myself weaken
i have to prove i can be tough

I'm scared of the way
things used to be
too much was expected
of one person, that was me

so now that i know
how to let them down
i start to expect it
i want them to frown

i know they'll be disappointed
i know they'll disagree
so all the A's i used to get
turn to B's, then C's, then D's

I'm falling so far
so hard and so fast
they hope this delinquent
phase won't last

but it keeps on going
cause the further i go
the less my perfect phase
continues to show

the D's turn to F's
and I'm kicked out of school
finally I'm not smart!
they realize I'm a fool!

finally they don't
expect me to be
perfect and flawless
I'm finally free

Why I Drank....

**not my own**
- - - - - -
I drank to be witty-
and I became a boor
I drank to be a good dancer-
and it made me stagger
I drank to be a good conversationalist-
and I couldn't pronounce my words
I drank to be sociable-
and I became angry and resentful
I drank to help my appetite-
and I cheated my body of nutrition by not eating right
I drank to be a good lover-
and I couldn't perform
I drank to be popular-
and I lost my friends
I drank to show I was grown-up-
and I became a slobbering, bawling baby
I drank for camaraderie-
and drove everyone away from me
I drank to relax-
and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking
I drank to feel good-
and I suffered through sickening hangovers
I drank to escape-
and I built a prison for myself
I drank to be happy-
and it made me depressed
I drank to enjoy life-
and I contemplated suicide
I drank to find peace-
and I found hell

Reflection

I look in the mirror
and hate what i see
it's my own reflection
staring back at me

a vision, i see
much more than i should
a vision, i know
that's more harm than good

in the washroom, i see it
my reflection, in the bowl
swirling round and round
as the food goes down the hole

it shows up again
in a pool of blood
washing the pain
like water from a flood

the last time i see
the reflection of my frown
is in the water of the lake
as i stand and look down

i step into the vision
as i heave my final sigh
then i give up my breath
and let myself die

Death Between Death

Too cold to feel loved
too loved to feel alone
too alone to hold on
death between death

too much pain, she goes numb
too numb to feel dead
too dead to stay alive
death between death

too responsible to go
too desperate to stay
too realistic to wait any longer
death between death

Temporary Death

I won't forget it
it won't go away
the more i try not to
i think of that day

i was so open
so trusting and dumb
it was going alright
then my brain went all numb

you touched me in places
that you never should
and i didn't say a thing
didn't think that i could

though the trauma's now over
the scars still run deep
so i retreat to my room
and i cry till i sleep

sleep-
-after hours and hours of awakened consciousness

sleep-
-because that sense of being is what makes me so damn afraid

sleep-
-my own temporary death

One day - you'll hear....

One day
you'll hear
about how they found me
hiding in the bathroom
with a kitchen knife
slashing at my wrists
screaming, hysterically
how much i wanted to die

-> and it will be ALL your fault

one day
you'll hear
that I'm in the hospital again
not for attempted suicide this time
but for blood loss
there were too many
they were too deep
it was too much
i couldn't stop
i couldn't slow the blood
i couldn't cut out the pain

->and it was ALL your fault

one day
you'll hear
"the funeral's next Tuesday"
I'm dead
I've finally done it
I'm finally gone
and you'll never have to put up with me again
I'm dead and I'm never coming back
gone forever

->and it's ALL your fault

My Child,

Give me your hate
Give me your fear
Give me your worries
And they'll disappear

Give me your sadness
Give me your pain
Give me your storms
And I'll stop the rain

Give me your hurt
Give me your tears
I'll use my eraser
And wipe your slate clear

Give me the pieces
Of your broken heart
Give me your world
As it falls apart

Give me your problems
I'll bear them for you
Give me your life
Until it is through

Give me your future
Give me your soul
Give me the pieces
And I'll make you whole

Give me your love
I'll always love you
Give me your all
I gave mine for you

Love,
God